Contrary to popular opinion, there is more to life for people like your hero than simply saving companies from themselves one project at a time. Now I’m not here to brag; it takes a great man to be humble, and when it comes to humility there is no greater man than yours truly. However if we are talking about being multi-faceted, the only proper analogy is that Justice Gray is like a great, mighty diamond hewn from the rock itself. But I’m not a braggart. So pretend this entire paragraph didn’t happen, and that should be easy because you are probably busy staring at that picture above trying to figure out
- how to make it into a poster
- why that man took a picture of himself looking like he got punched in the face!! That’s called cultivating a rugged look.
It is with the spirit of monumental mountain man-ness that I write to you today telling you that after a long absence from the public, your hero is *back* because he has a passionate mission – and that mission is the fitness of every man, woman, child and animal in North America. Particularly those tiny hand-sized dogs I see people pushing around in *strollers* in Vancouver. No one likes those dogs. You know why? You know why nobody liked Scrappy Doo? Because you could snap him in two over your head with a well-placed backbreaker. If nobody likes you, I can *guarantee* it’s for precisely the same reason. But don’t worry, yours truly is here to save you from yourself…here to save you from being the Scrappy Doo of everyday existence.
So why do I wake up at 4:30 AM every morning, stand in front of the mirror, look myself square in the eye, french kiss my reflection, and stomp off to the gym? Why wouldn’t I just sleep? Why wouldn’t I “just go for a walk, that’s exercise, isn’t it”? Ask me this question in person one day and the next question you’re going ask is “why did you just give me a chokeslam through a burning table?” And you’ll know why!
I do it – the waking up, the working out, the gorilla press slamming through burning furniture for my wife, for my daughter, for my friends and family, and even for myself, but most of all everything I do… I do it for you.
If that doesn’t get you revved up for the gym, nothing will
I do it because you need me to. That’s right – you! You sitting there wolfing down your delicious Oreo Cakesters, melting in your mouth as you read this. You! Hitting that sumptuous carton of espresso gelato instead of hitting the bench press. Lying in bed curled up with your computer, planning some “quiet time” with my picture instead of planning out your next set of chin ups. Telling yourself “I’m still a man after doing 5 minutes of intense Zumba” instead of pulling on the women’s undergarments that said action deserves. But that’s okay. You’ll get there. And when you do you will owe me one million dollars.
Next: an introduction. “But I thought *this* was the introduction?” Whose blog is this, jack!? Let *me* do the talking.