Limited Edition Doritos – The Taste of Emptiness

A fairly well known fact to anyone who has made Justice A. Gray’s acquaintance is that I am a Christian with a capital C.  What does that have to do with eating processed corn chips?  Not much…on the *surface*.

pizza_pepper_jack_doritos

Recently I’ve been reviewing my church’s series on the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible (an excellent series, by the way – you can give it a listen here).  Ecclesiastes is the story of King Solomon – the wisest man in the Old Testament – reflecting back on his life and finding *everything* to be meaningless.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Bible, the book of Ecclesiastes does not actually mention *anything* in relation to eating Limited Edition Pizza and Pepper Jack Doritos.   However there is a *lost* book of the Bible referred to as “The Acts of Solomon” (1 Kings 11:41) that no one has ever seen.   If I had to make a reasonable guess I believe Solomon *might* have covered it off there.  Or it’s a proverb somewhere.  I mean, the guy wrote more than a thousand proverbs and we only have 31!  Can you really say that he *didn’t*?  You don’t know!!

Anyway, this article is not so much a biblical exegesis as it is a review of both of these flavours of Doritos, which your hero ate this weekend.   I’m normally completely impenetrable when it comes to marketing but for one exception – throw the words “Limited Edition” on the package and I will buy it.  It doesn’t matter if the product is identical. I will gladly fork over money for those Limited Edition Rice Krispies that are the same as normal Rice Krispies.  It doesn’t even matter if the product is terrible.  I will happily hand over my cash for that Limited Edition Horse Manure flavored Mountain Dew.  It’s *Limited Edition*!!  How do I even know that it will still be in stores tomorrow?  Don’t make me tell the lobster story.

I hunted for these Doritos across Vancouver and could *not* for the life of me find them anywhere no matter where I looked.  Finally I decided to dedicate some quality time to this search, so after 30 minutes of scouring multiple 7-11s, a gas station, a grocery store and several Macs’ outlets – and let me tell you, there is nothing suspicious looking *at all* about a man walking into a convenience store, looking from side to side and then immediately walking out again, so I do not appreciate those stares, cashiers – I *located them*.  Like any reasonable man who likes to eat healthy, I bought 2 bags of each.  Before you rush to question my eating habits, I would like to point out that when you train and eat like a human hurricane 6 days a week (plus appropriate supplementation) you are actually encouraged to take a small break once a week to reset your metabolism.  Now you know.  And of course

The other half is being a behemoth of a man
The other half : being a mastodon of masculinity

For anyone who likes to ignore the titles of articles, you are probably wondering whether these things were worth the wait.  I’m going to let Solomon field that answer:

“All the toil of man is for his mouth, yet his appetite is not satisfied.”

- Ecclesiastes 9:7

These chips?  They are terrible.  I chased after these suckers for weeks, even twittering the @DoritosBC account, only to sit down, bite into a chip and find it wanting.  What do they taste like?  Pretty much every other Dorito you’ve ever eaten.  I gave a Pepper Jack chip to my wife and she remarked, “That’s it?”  Exactly.  That’s it.  That’s it for you and me Doritos.  I’m done buying your chips and regretting the purchase immediately upon opening the bag.  For years, I have kept coming back for more punishment every time you release some other “limited edition” flavor out into the wild.  Tacos at Night.  Guacamole.  *Mountain Dew*.   All of them like eating sewage!!  Yet still I ran out to try and buy these thinking they would be different.  No more, Doritos.  You and I are done.  Unless you bring out those Jakked Buffalo Wing and Blue Cheese ones that I can only find in select locations in the States.  Now those actually *were* terrific.  But until then, Doritos, consider this epitaph my notice that we are through.  No more chasing after your multiple flavors only to find myself saddened, lonely, and unsatisfied at the end of every bag.

“Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 2:11

Next: where a real man eats *real food* in Vancouver BC!